Our last entry shines a less than divine spotlight on Chris Hemsworth, aka Thor, in the 2012 remake of the 1984 cult classic Red Dawn. Just like the original, this new edition has a PG-13 rating but beyond that,there's not much of an improvement over the first film.
Let's start with the opening credits, which gives us a CNN style cliff notes version of world events, showcasing North Korea as the next major threat( the first script had the Chinese attacking us but the producers soon realized that having them as the adversaries would make it hard for this movie to do well...in China).
Then it gets all Friday Night Lights, as our leading man Jed(Hemsworth) is back home after serving in Iraq and watching his little brother Matt(Josh Peck) screw up the big football game. Of course, Jed and his dad(who happens to be the local sheriff) are all supportive of Matt, who has a cute blonde girlfriend who is,naturally a cheerleader and there's a cute girl named Toni(Adrianne Palicki) who finds Jed to be cute as well.
Toni and Jed keep running into each other during the course of this movie as a potential romantic couple but their brief moments together are as meaningful as two people who meet cute in any cheesy TV commercial, not to mention I've seen better writing in Hallmark Channel movies:
The next morning, the town is under invasion from North Korean forces who follow a WWII style of attack, with parachute jumps and soldiers on the move! Seriously, we're about fifteen minutes into this movie and already the boom-boom-boom has begun.
Jed and company flee to the woods, with the enemy in hot pursuit and yes, I have so many questions. For one, how is it that once they get to the family cabin in the woods, everyone immediately knows where all the guns are stored inside? I mean, some of the weapons are in kitchen drawers and other offbeat spots but nobody seems to need to ask where any ammo is or anything like that!
Also, more importantly-why are the occupying army so worried about a bunch of high school kids lead by one ex-soldier? You'd think that with the mayor and the sheriff under their control, that would be more than enough to maintain control of a small town, plus they're the ones that have the armored cars and rocket launchers on hand!
Anyway, after his dad is nobly taken out by the main captain of the invasion troops, Jed decides to turn his kid brother and their band of CW show extras into a resistance squad who call themselves Wolverines(after their high school mascot, not the X-Men character). Speeches and training montages follow:
Plus, as Drive In Theater expert Joe Bob Briggs might say, there's not much plot to get in the way of the story. At one point, it's mentioned that the NK invaders were being backed by Russia-why would Russia need to use North Korea as a military beard? Then later, during a big battle scene in town, two of the teen Wolverines take refuge in a sandwich shop and decide to rob the frightened staff for food! Uh, hello, you're supposed to be the good guys, remember? Stealing from your fellow captive townsfolk is not in the playbook there!
A lot goes on but it's hard to care about any of the characters since I've seen Colorform sticker figures with more personality. Sure, they try to add a few lighthearted moments, such as tricking a guy into drinking deer blood, but none of that jells at all.
Hemsworth does what he can here but his acting muscles are not strong enough to give any substance to the paper thin plot points. He does fight the NK captain that took out his dad at one point and gets to deliver the line "You f**ked with the wrong family!", which would have held some weigh had Hemsworth and the bad guy in question been able to exchange a little dialogue beforehand or at any time in the movie!
Mainly, this movie is made up of noise and fury, signifying less than nothing but wasted screen time. The only good thing I can say about this movie is that it's short, yet far from sweet:
Oh, wait-I can also say in it's favor that it does have a few memorably bad lines like "Marines don't die-they go to hell and regroup!" and "It's a vital piece of military equipment, not your porn stash!" Other than that, this movie is as memorable as cotton candy with the bad aftertaste of nostalgia porn left on your cinematic palate.
Well, I thank you all for sharing this awful movie journey with me and hopefully, my theme for next time will be more mirthful and less deep hurting. In the meanwhile, I am happy that this cycle of Marvel movies have done so well and I look forward to what lies ahead(although taking Spiderman out of the MCU is a dumb idea,Sony!). With any luck, we will see a brighter tomorrow both on and off screen:
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