Shear Genius has a blonde moment,Bloodties and American Idol is now a Sanjaya-free zone!

The Short Cut challenge on Shear Genius this week had the stylists taking manniquin heads with black hair and turning them into blondes(level 8,to be precise)within two hours. Anyone who has even attempted highlights knows the difficulty of this feat but it was somewhat possible. Tabatha won the SC and didn't swear once during it(she still dresses ubergoth,tho). That gave her first pick of model in the elimination challenge,which was to create a Celebrity Dream hairstyle for a client,making it suitable and flattering to that person.




Atleast two of the stylists got hung up on trying to duplicate the platinium blonde locks of the celebs their clients wanted and didn't really style the hair in front of them. Daisy kept rattling on so much to her client about how hard it would be to give Christina Aguilera hair(she was hoping to give her a Marcia Cross look,which the final product resembled)that she barely had time to do the color. Jim's model wanted Gwen Stefani and her hair came out a carroty orange flopmop. He didn't style it at all,which is what a Gwen Stefani look is,the styling. Jim wound up turning in his scissors at the end(I like Jaclyn Smith's send-off line"You've made your final cut". Not bad,beats that lame Adler line from Top Design).



Anthony was the big winner here,with his Carmen Electra look that flattered his model client nicely. It's too soon to pick someone to root for at this point but I was impressed by Dr. Boogie,who during the Short Cut challenge made his model head a bright blue and yet figured out how to get it back to a respectable blonde. Quite a comeback there! The only stylist who truly annoys me is Lacey,she just seems real dippy to me.



We have a cliffhanger on Bloodties this week,as Mike lets his jealousy get the best of him by setting up Henry to be snagged by not-so-good guy Mendoza(Julian Sands). Let me get this straight,Mike,you've been tracking vampire murders to get the goods on Henry,going back over fifty years yet some mysterious man pops up,claiming to "work for the church" and needs you to slap a nasty medallion on Henry's chest and you don't even make a phone call to vertify his ID? Great detective work there,buddy! No wonder that you still need to consult Vicki on your cases:



I like it that Henry isn't all Angel-angsty about his vampire kills,but does seem to care about people despite what he says. Also,Coreen's gung-ho attitude towards her work is fun but I wonder where that's going to lead her later on. This show is no Buffy but I'm having a good time with it,nonetheless.

Speaking of good times,Sanjaya has finally sung his Song of Shame and will no longer torture us with his horrifying hair styles,YEAH! Thank TPTB,because after his butchering of Bonnie Raitt's "Something To Talk About",I wanted to talk about buying earplugs for the next show. He so ruined the song,it was like listening to an eunuch. Let's do a last compare and contrast of Sanjaya and His Amazing Head of Hair:


TALK ABOUT AWFUL!



BONNIE KNOWS WHAT SHE'S TALKING ABOUT



Country Night wasn't too bad,especially for my ladies. LaKisha being in the Bottom Three worried me(I didn't think she was screaming towards the end of her song)but thank goodness,the voters kept her in.

MELINDA HAS NO TROUBLE



JORDIN SOARS ON HER BROKEN WING



LAKISHA TAKES THE WHEEL



Random Notes



America's Next Top Model: I've been watching ANTM steady for the past few weeks and it seems to me that Natasha is becoming a major contender in this competition. Last night in the CoverGirl commericial challenge,she was the only one to do well and pull off a decent Aussie accent(quite a trick for someone whose english is still a little creaky)to boot! Her photo shoots have improved too and even with her mini drama attacks,she doesn't let that get in the way of her work.

Brittany's whimpering over her short term memory probelm got to be truly grating. If you have something like that to deal with in your life,you have to find a way to make that adjustment work for and not against you. As Miss J said,there is no sympathy or empathy in the real world for that(oh,and The Soup should be thrilled with that whole Tyra in the kangaroo suit bit-makes up for the loss of Sanjaya there,I hope).

Smallville: Finally,some new episode goodness and the good news is that we've got a Wonder Woman sighting! Lynda Carter guest stars as Chloe's mom,Moira,who has some meteor freak powers that attract the attention of Lex. Oh,that Luthor boy,what hijinks will he get into next?

A hoe-down all of us gals can appreciate

American Idol went country last night,with the help of Martina McBride. While I won't be getting into who did well(Melinda) and who did not(Sanjaya...who else?)until the Thursday Tv wrap-up,this theme reminded me of country songs that I have enjoyed over the years that nimbly leaped the divide between C&W and Pop. So,without further delay,folks:

THE DEVIL WENT DOWN TO GEORGIA

I first heard this Charlie Daniels Band tune back in ye olde days,before MTV,when you had to imagine for yourself what story the song was telling. This tale is pretty classic,good vs. evil,with some hot fiddle playing and a happy ending. Primus did a cover version of TDWDTG a while back but I prefer the original,which is nicely animated in this clip:



9 To 5

Dolly Parton is almost like a human version of a Muppet(this is a compliment,trust me),only ten times sweeter. With her platinum wigs,tendancy towards glittery outfits and a personality more bubbly than champagne,Dolly is a true pop culture creation. How many other entertainers out there have their very own themepark named after them? Her forays into movie acting have been a mixed bag but the film 9 to 5 is still considered one of the best office worker comedies around. Her theme song for the film is right up there with Donna Summers' "She Works Hard (for the money)" as a working
women's anthem:



PLEASE,MISTER,PLEASE

Before Olivia Newton-John got all Greased up and found her way to Xanadu,she had a few hit songs on the country charts. One of the best known ones is this sad little ditty that has her begging a fella not to play a certain tune on the jukebox:



THAT DON'T IMPRESS ME MUCH

Even I can't resist the juggernaut that is Shania. Gotta admit that she's at her best when she gets in sassy mode with her songs. Bonus points for rocking the leopard print suit there,without looking tacky:



COAL MINER'S DAUGHTER

When the Sissy Spacek biopic of Loretta Lynn was released,I was abit of a Lynn head for awhile. I even read Loretta's autobiography and thought she was one of the coolest people on earth. She still is pretty cool and the classic title tune is still an all time favorite,even to non-country fans:

A Tale of Two Maries

I finally got to watch Sophia Coppola's version of Marie Antoinette over the weekend and while it was enjoyable,I couldn't help but compare it to the 1938 film that starred Norma Shearer as Marie. Both movies have their plues and minues and would make a great double feature,however it did feel as if one film had something that the other didn't and like chocolate and peanut butter,two great tastes would make a MA film better.





So,let's begin with the earlier film-Norma Shearer was the wife of MGM studio head Irving Thalberg when this movie got the nod to be made,so ten to one,she knew alittle something about being the most talked wife in high society. Like the later Coppola movie,this film is based on a MA biography but pretty does it's own thing.
Marie's whole life,from her being chosen to marry Louis XVI to awaiting her execution at the gulliotine,is portraited.

Robert Morley plays Louis and I was surprised to discover that it was his film debut. Morley's one of those English actors who looks as if he's been around forever and is brilliantly amusing and touching as Marie's childlike but loyal husband.




Tyrone Power gets most of the romantic moments here,as Marie's true love Count Fersen,and the chemistry between them is pretty hot and heavy. You almost can't blame the poor girl for wanting to hook up with him. They have one great scene where Fersen begs Marie to run off with him and you actually feel a little tension,despite knowing the history-will she or won't she?




The 1938 film was Gone With The Wind in length and was nominated for several Oscars,including Best Actress for Shearer,Best Supporting Actor for Morley and Best Art Direction. The film has a great opulent look to it and the costumes are lovely,even if they're obvious Hollywood overdone creations. The only real fault that I can find with the movie is the melodramatic tone given to the plot,with such lines as "I cannot wear a crown upon my heart" and "Perhaps the great loves come with tears. " It's a bit soap opera-y at times,but still worth a viewing.



The first impression that you get from the 2006 Marie Antoinette film is "Wow,that look gorgeous!" The visuals are well orchestrated here,from the clothes to the food to the background colors that highlight the glossy world in which Marie and her friends and foes dwelled in. Coppola shows the tightly knit boundaries that kept the royals from knowing the true world outside the glittering fairyland of Versailles that had it's own special landmines. The frustrations of Marie's life,particularly to get pregnant by a man who didn't have clue one about sex(this movie was able to be more forthcoming about that than the earlier one could even think of),as well as her need to relieve the boredom of her days is nicely expressed by Kirsten Dunst.

I know plenty of people objected to some of the modern touches Sophia Coppola threw in,like using contemporary music for the soundtrack but she really makes it work. Here's a great scene,set to Bow Wow Wow's "I Want Candy":



My only beef here is that the movie comes off like a visual scrapbook of Marie's life. The right historical marks are hit(Marie's arrival to France,having to speak to Madame Du Barry in court,the whole"let them eat cake" bit)altho some are totally ignored(no mention of the affair of the necklace,other than Marie saying she wants to give up diamonds for the poor)and the final end of her life is vaguely alluded to.



Well,that's not my only beef-I found Jason Schwartzman to be an inadequate Louis XVI. He's really stiff and stilted and while I know Louis was not Mr. Personality by any means,compared to Robert Morley's much more nuanced performance,Schwartzman is blander than vanilla pudding with a Cool Whip topping served on wafer cookies. Jamie Dornan,who plays Count Fersen,doesn't make much of an impression either.



After watching both Marie flicks,I really think it's time that there was a revival of interest in Madame Du Barry,the notorious last mistress of Louis XV. There have been film versions of her story before(Delores Del Rio played her in 1934)and even the anime film,Rose of Versailles,gives her some attention. Take a look at these Du Barry clips and see if you don't agree that this is another historical lady worth a brand new book/film of her own:


1934's Shady Lady



The Thorn of the Rose of Versailles




Asia Argento's Amorous Approach

Make this spring the Season of the Witch

Gabriel Blackthorne is a first class computer hacker for hire living and working in London,but his true talents lie in the not-so tangible psychic realm. Formerly a Remote Viewer(telepath)who used his powers in a secret government run agency until his hubris caused the death of a young woman,Gabriel gets a call from a wealthy
man,William Whittington who wants him to find his missing son,Robbie.



Gabriel is reluctant at first,but it turns out that the one who recommended him for this job is Frankie,an old lover and fellow RV who is the second Mrs. Whittington. Frankie convinces Gabriel to help reunite father and son,especially important since the father is dying. The only real clue they have to Robbie's disappearance is his recent and deep association with the Monk sisters,Minnaloushe and Morrighan.




Gabriel gets involved with the Monk ladies to find out not only what happened to Robbie but what strange"game" they played with him(and intended to have Gabriel join them in as well). Turns out that these women are not just bored ladies of leisure,they are incredibly intelligent and are honing their memory skills to a fine point. They can not only recite word for word text from books they haven't read since high school,both sisters are involved in creating a "memory palace",with the ulitmate goal being to seek total knowledge of the universe. Considering themselves to be modern day alchemists following in the footsteps of their ancestor,mage John Dee,their search for enlightenment becomes a deadly one.



Gabriel is torn,not only between the two sisters but in either solving the mystery of what became of Robbie but in discovering more about the mental/spiritual quest of the Monks. The stakes get even greater when it turns out one of the sisters is a RV who may be more powerful than Gabriel was back in his glory days. Also,he's been reading the computer diary written by one of the sisters who's clearly in love with him but who is it,Minnaloushe or Morrighan? Even if he figures that out,what if his new love is also a killer?

This might seem like a very long and drawn out story from my description but never you worry,Mostert tells her tale in just the right length and breath,nimbly discussing and imparting elaborant ideas and theories about the Art of Memory and the history of alchemy without overloading the reader. Also,she creates clever and challenging characters who are not only drawn in by their own desires but lure you into "slamming the ride" with them into the many questions and answers that await you with each absorbing chapter.



Mostert has written several other books but I think that Season of the Witch may be the one that gets her the big league recognition that she richly deserves. I was inspired by SOTW to find another one of her novels,WindWalker,and if you would like to know more about Nastasha Mostert and her works,please click the title link above to check out her official website that also has a Memory Game for folks to play.

Season of the Witch will be out in stores by April 19 and if you're looking for a lush,vibrantly romantic supernatural read,go no further. Mostert delivers all of that and so much more.

Is The Road worth traveling on with Oprah?

For Easter this year,I treated myself to a copy of Cormac McCarthy's The Road instead of jelly beans and a chocolate bunny. Quite a different taste from the usual springtime sweets McCarthy's prose leaves on my mental tongue(bizarre image there,I know). Yes,my book choice was influenced by Oprah,who finally decided to select current fiction again for her book club,but also,this was a good opportunity for me to see what all the fuss is about when it comes to McCarthy and his books.




For years now,the praises of Cormac McCarthy have been sung by numerous critics and fans as diverse as Harold Bloom and Stephen King. McCarthy's books have been nominated for and won various awards such as The National Book Award and the National Book Critics Circle Award. A tad intimidating to the first time reader,but hey,worth a shot there. I didn't see the film version of All The Pretty Horses but perhaps I'm better off for that,given the harsh critical rain that fell upon the movie.


So,what is the book about? The story is set in our world after some sort of end of civilization as we know event has occured(there are hints that there's some kind of nuclear winter going on). A father and son(no names given,they're only known as "the man" and"the boy")are traveling across country on what appears to be a main highway. All of their meager possessions and supplies are pushed around in an old shopping cart and as they search for food and shelter on a daily basis,they avoid contact with other humans like the plague. Since most of their fellow survivors are prone to violence and are practicing cannibals,that's a pretty good idea.

Sounds cheerful,doesn't it? Oprah's picked some sad stuff before but I think this beats most of her usual fare hands down in the misery department. Check out this slice of sorrow:

"When he woke in the woods in the dark and the cold of the night he'd reach out to touch the child sleeping beside him. Nights dark beyond darkness and the days more gray each one than what had gone before. Like the onset of some cold glaucoma dimming away the world.

His hand rose and fell softly with each precious breath. He pushed away the plastic tarpaulin and raised himself in the stinking robes and blankets and looked toward the east for any light but there was none. In the dream from which he'd wakened he had wandered in a cave where the child led him by the hand. Their light playing over the wet flowstone walls. Like pilgrims in a fable swallowed up and lost among the inward parts of some granitic beast. Deep stone flues where the water dripped and sang. Tolling in the silence the minutes of the earth and the hours and the days of it and the years without cease.

Until they stood in a great stone room where lay a black and ancient lake. And on the far shore a creature that raised its dripping mouth from the rimstone pool and stared into the light with eyes dead white and sightless as the eggs of spiders. It swung its head low over the water as if to take the scent of what it could not see. Crouching there pale and naked and translucent, its alabaster bones cast up in shadow on the rocks behind it. Its bowels, its beating heart. The brain that pulsed in a dull glass bell. It swung its head from side to side and then gave out a low moan and turned and lurched away and loped soundlessly into the dark."




Now,I wouldn't think the less of anyone who didn't want to go on with the book after that or most of this but I'm compelled to. Why? Well,simply this-I want to see what happens next. I've read alot of novels in many genres over the years and can spot the typical story cliches and plot points pretty well by now. I don't look down on those old stand-bys,rather I wave to them like old friends and neighbors(unless the book stinks but that's a whole other kettle of fish)as I read on. With The Road,some of these sights are familar but there's alot of new territory being laid out here that bears exploring.

McCarthy's been compared to William Faulkner(another Oprah favorite) and Faulkner's a writer that I can't get into,mainly because he uses run-on sentences. Artistic liscense is fine with me but you gotta give me a comma or a period once in awhile. My eyes feel like they're being hit by a runaway truck or a death proof car with an endless rope of words. Fortunately,McCarthy doesn't seem to do that here. His prose is solidly built like a house meant to last for generations.

At the moment,I'm on page 141 of the paperback and intend to ride out The Road until the bitter or not so bitter end. I don't know if I'll like what I find at the finish but as they say,it's about the journey,not the destination.

Top Design ends,Shear Genius sets up shop and Sanjaya is safe again,curses!

Matt and Carisa went head to head in the final Top Design challenge,which was to design a 17 foot loft in downtown L.A. with a budget of over 162,000 and two months to work on the floor plan,plus five days for their carpenters and crew to put it all together. Also,the client they were supposed to be creating this space for turned out to be themselves.



With such huge blank canvases to work with,Carisa and Matt had quite a time getting everything ready. Both of them had to deal with similar obstacles,such as going over their alloted budgets,moving materials up to the lofts(it was neccessary to carry stuff up several flights of stairs,due to the bulkiness)and worrying about the extra hired hands. Carisa and Carl even managed not to squabble too much-a miracle of the gods-especially when the paint from Carisa's black wooden floor kept peeling up after the crew was removing the protective covering from it. It was repairable but she should've gotten wood that was properly refurnished there.



Regardless,I fell in love with Carisa's loft. She decided to go for a black and white motif,which made me worry at first but she pulled it off. The place was light and airy,with sleek surfaces and a pleasing tone thru out. Carisa said she wanted a loft like the one Tom Hanks had in Big and while I didn't see a big keyboard(yes,I know that wasn't in the loft in the film,no complaints please!),it did feel like a playground for the modern single gal.


My favorite part of Carisa's place was the bedpit she had,with a great window view. It looked so cool and inviting,like a sophiscated version of an I Dream Of Jeanie lounging area. I wish I had something like that in my house...then again,I might not get out of bed if I did!



Matt's loft was concieved as a family dwelling and the princess room for his four year old daughter was lovely. His whole design was alittle tighter than Carisa's but he did add touches of warmth with elegant family photos and small but chic pops of color within the space. In some ways,it's really hard to compare and contrast both lofts since one was meant for a single person and the other for a family. The different needs for each don't mesh together well.



Matt wound up being the winner,even with the judges wishing that the adult bedroom was as warmly hued as the bathroom was. Carisa took her loss well,saying it was better this way since Matt"would've been devastated." Too true and frankly,Matt's whole attitude was getting on my last nerve. He seesawed between"If I don't win,I'm going to kill myself/rob a bank" or"I can't lost to a student!/Was there any doubt about who would win? Really?". I think alot of the judges' praise of him went right to his head towards the end there. Oh well,atleast it's all over and we can move on..



...to Bravo's next competition show,Shear Genius! So far,the format is very Project Runway/Top Chef in style with a "Shortcut" challenge to showcase the signature cut of the stylists and then an elimination challenge,which was to create hair art this week. I adored Daisy's version of Marie Antonette's wedding day,it was so amazing! As host Jaclyn Smith said,that did not look like it was done in only two hours.



Theodore won the challenge with his "hidden treasure' look(the box actually opens up to reveal the booty within)and I had my doubts about his idea but the risk paid off there.



The first stylist to be snipped was Paul-Jean,for this hideous hair-don't that I swear I've seen in a bad music video somewhere(those all blend together after awhile). So far,the two contestants that will wind up getting hot spots on E!'s The Soup will be Dr. Boogie,who loves to literally pat himself on the shoulder repeatedly,and Tabatha,who dresses like one of the Witches of Eastwick and repeatedly loves to utter her personal mantra(I'm assuming) which is "F--k you!" Good time a-coming,folks,good times!

Sanjaya not only survived another round of American Idol this week but he also managed not to be the worst singer on Performance night. Most of the contestants didn't take to Latin Night very well but Sanjaya was the only one to sing in Spanish passibly well. However,that facial hair of his does make him look alot like DeBarge. See for yourself:

SANJAYA'S SPANISH LULLABYE



SEPARATED AT BIRTH?



The Sanjaya Singing Award goes to Haley Hotpants,who wore out her welcome with all that shaking and shimmying that Simon called her on. Haley also sang the Song of Shame as she was sent home after a really long results show. Fox,I know you guys want to keep the ratings for that hour but give us a break here! A half hour is just fine and dandy.

HALEY TURNS THE BEAT DOWN INTO THE GROUND



LOVE TO HEAR GLORIA'S PERCUSSION



Next week's theme is country,with Martina McBride as the guest mentor. JLo was okay,I guess but her bangles were more interesting than what she had to say to the contestants. Sanjaya goes country..*shudder*...let's look at my ladies for some hope:

LAKISHA SHAKES HER BODY



MELINDA SWAYS THE NIGHT AWAY



JORDIN'S RHYTHM IS GONNA GET YOU



Random Notes:




TAR/All Stars: A Yield came up during this last leg and the Beauty Queens used it on Eric and Danielle,prompting Eric to call them"dirty pirate hookers". I can think of alot of names to call those two but dirty pirate hookers doesn't spring to my mind. Turns out it's an Anchorman reference(which is embarassing that I didn't know it,since I not only saw that movie but have it on DVD. Then again,my favorite scene was the newsteam street rumble). Eric and Danielle have now sworn to be the official enemies of the BQs but I suspect that those gals can take down Eric just as handily as Veronica did Ron Burgundy did here:



Uchenna and Joyce wound up being Philiminated due to a missed plane change which gave all the other teams ample time to check in before they even arrived. Too bad,but they did win TAR on their first time out,so no harm,no fowl.



The Riches: Wayne and Dahlia decide to give in to Ginny's demands that her brother Ken marry Didi after the sneaky bitch finds them living the Buffers' life in Eden Falls. Guys,this is so not a good plan;not only does Didi have her eye on someone else but Ken is a prime example of what Carlos Mencia calls a"Dee Dee Dee". This may be just a stalling tactic but Ma and Pa Malloy better come up with a solution right quick because Didi doesn't strike me as the type to meekly go along with an arranged marriage,family ties or no family ties.

The Office: With Smallville and Ugly Betty still in reruns,I'll be able to catch more of The Office,which is good since Andy is now coming back to the show. Last week's Jim/Roy confrontation was damn funny,particularly since Dwight seemed to get some of that pepper spray on himself there:

Flash Gordon back in action on SciFi Channel

The SciFi Channel is planning a new Flash Gordon TV series and has already tapped Smallville alum Eric Johnson as their leading man. How good or bad this show will be is pretty much up for grabs. Movie and television versions of Alex Raymond's comic strip space hero have waxed and waned over the years but Flash still holds a strong
place in the hearts of many sci fi fans,myself included.





My dad first introduced me to Flash,when I was a kid. He had my brother and I watch the old Buster Krabbe serials that PBS used to play on the weekends(wish someone showed those programs again). When the Alex Raymonds strips were reprinted by Kitchen Sink Press several years ago,my dad bought a few volumes to add to his huge art and artisty home reference library(still have volume one on hand). Raymond's panoramic visuals and keen eye for details inspired my father,along with the classic hero seeking justice and allies against tyranny storyline that has persisted in the FG universe. Flash was and is,an All American hero:






When the big screen film version of Flash came out in 1980,we eagerly made our way to NYC to catch it(in fact,the three of us-my dad,my brother and me-saw Raging Bull that day as well. Not your average double feature there). Even tho the movie was incredibly goofy,Max Von Syndow ruled as Emperor Ming the Merciless. Along with Brian Blessed as Vultan,great godawful lines like"No! Not the bore worms!" and of course,the brilliant music by Queen,Flash Gordon increased his pop culture status with this campy cult flick:

GO,FLASH,GO!



BRING ME THE BORE WORMS



PATHETIC EARTHLINGS,WHO CAN SAVE YOU NOW?



There's also been several animated FG shows,the last one appearing in 1996. I recall watching the Filmations one made in the late seventies,which used the look of the early Alex Raymond strips the best:



So,will this new take on Flash be a help or a hinder to the legend? It's been long enough since Flash,Dale Arden and Dr. Zarkov took us to Mongo that everything old will be new again. Atleast it's not Flesh Gordon that folks want to revive(and no,I've never watched the porn version and never will.) Hopefully,Flash will inspire yet another generation to bring more sci-fi fantasy to life.

Halloween: The night the remake came home

One of the real movie trailers shown with Grindhouse this weekend was for the remake of the 70's horror classic,Halloween,directed by Rob Zombie(who also directed one of the fake Grindhouse trailers,Werewolf Women of the SS). The studio's PR is claiming that this is not a simple remodeling of the original film but a "re-imagining" of the story,like they've done with the Texas Chainsaw Massacre,The Hills Have Eyes,etc.

I like Rob Zombie,he's a weird cool guy-the type we need making movies today. However,I do wish that his talent and skills would be focused on something else rather than yet another retread of a film that's already been done right the first time and whose only real purpose for being is to rake in some more cash for the studio coffers. I'd rather see him make Werewolf Women of the SS or anything else than this. The trailer does look good,have to admit it:



Zombie has a great eye for capturing the grimy roadhouse look and feel of a place that jacks up the tension for the horrors he unleashs,which is mainly the evil that men and women do to each other. I get why guys like him want to direct these remakes,it's a chance for them to pay tribute to the movies that inspired them. Cool,but what are we,the audience getting out of this? True,there are many that haven't seen the originals and may even check them out after taking a gander at the shiny new versions,but how many fresh and new ideas are being put aside and held back to keep pumping these sure-to-be money makers into the multiplexes?

Here's the Werewolf Women trailer,to compare and contrast:






There's more remake mania on the way,with the likes of Prom Night and Motel Hell being slated for early next year. The only remake that might actually be worth a look at is I Am Legend,the third version of Richard Matheson's novel to be filmed. Then again, IAL is said to be more in tune with Charlton Heston's The Omega Man(which was the first remake),so I may have spoken too soon there:



I guess as long as there's money to be made,these remakes will keep popping up like pimples on the horror scene. It would be nice if someone tried to remake a movie that didn't work the first time out and improve on it,like Deadly Friend,Queen of the Damned or even this vampire comedy that was redeemed by an excellant TV series:

The Top Ten Things That I Learned at The Grindhouse

While the Tarantino/Rodriguez double feature Grindhouse didn't rule the box office roost this weekend(never underestimate the power of Will Ferrell on skates),atleast it made more do-re-mi than The Reaping and is in the top five. The movie was still a good time had by all and perhaps will climb even higher on the charts. It'll definately be a must-own DVD,that's for sure.


So,without further ado,here are a few of the life lessons that you can learn from Planet Terror,Death Proof and the various coming attractions showcased only at the
Grindhouse(viewer discretion is advised):





10) It's go-go,not cry-cry!

9) Someday,we'll all find a use for our useless talents.


8) If you hire Machete to kill the bad guys,make damn sure the bad guy isn't you!






7) Let me tell you about my needle friends;the yellow one is to make you numb. The blue one is to take the sting away and by the time you get to the red,you'll never see me again.

6) A machine gun leg comes in real handy when you need to clear a path for your fellow survivors to get aboard the escape helicopter.


5) If you're thinking of seeing the move Don't alone.....DON"T!!!!!!!!!






4)This Thanksgiving,come home for the holidays...in a body bag!





3)Never confuse a Kiwi with an Aussie,unless you want your ass kicked.



2) Do you know what happens to motherf**kers who carry knives? They get shot!






1) This car is a hundred percent death proof,only to get the benefit of it,honey,you really need to be sitting in his seat!

Shirley'll be the grandest lady in the Easter Parade

This Easter Sunday,American Movie Classics will be showing a Shirley Temple marathon of some of her biggest films,such as The Little Princess,Heidi,Bright Eyes and The Little Colonel. Apart from ABC Family's Sound of Music repeat viewings and the Ten Commandments(I just love it when Yvonne De Carlo goes "Moses,Moses,you stubborn,stubborn fool!"),this seems to be the only holiday programming scheduled anywhere.



That's fine with me,I haven't seen a Shirley Temple film in a long time and Easter is as good of an excuse as any to catch up here. Shirley is the ultimate child star icon,a sweet hearted little miss who only wanted to do her best for others
and could break into a song and dance number at a moment's notice.

She's the standard which all other cute little girls in movies must measure themselves by. People of all ages and backgrounds adored Shirley and tons of tie in merchandise,from dolls to hair ribbons,are still hot items on the collectables market. Also,unlike many young stars who we've seen crash and burn in LaLa Land,Shirley didn't slide into the dark side of fame. True,her career onscreen ended during her teens(she did host a couple of television series,Shirley Temple's Storybook and Shirley Temple Theater in the late 50s/early 60s)but she had a pretty full life afterwards. One of her best known achievements was to become a US Ambassador(using her married name of Shirley Temple Black)-let's see Dakota Fanning try that in the future!

Okay,but what's the big deal here,you might ask? Some curly haired kid in a few old movies-why should I watch even one of them? Well,let's take a look at what you've been missing there,friend:

BIll & SHIRLEY ON THE STAIRS

Bill"Bojangles" Robinson was one of the top entertainers of his day but sadly,due to the racial attitudes of the time period,was given the typically stereotype roles of manservant onscreen. Fortunately,he made several films with Shirley(as well as coaching and developing her routines for many other films)where his dancing skills were given a fabulous showcase.

One of their most famous and controversal bits was this staircase number from The Little Colonel. Theaters in the South edited the scene where the two of them held hands(how pitiful is that?!). This routine is a wondeful example of elegant movement within a restricted area(no pun intended):




THE GOOD SHIP LOLLYPOP

This is one of Shirley's signature songs,from the 1934 film Bright Eyes. The film is a typical ST story,cute kid in custody battle but it has the distinct of being the movie for which Shirley recieved a special Academy Award for. One interesting sidenote here is that the dog in Bright Eyes later on played Toto in The Wizard of Oz,where at one point, Shirley was offered the part of Dorothy but the studio didn't want to trade her over to MGM. Take a sweet trip to Shirley's musical candy shop:



LITTLE MISS MARKER

It's not on the AMC lineup but it's a film I remember well;Shirley plays Marky,the daughter of a gambler who leaves her as collateral on a loan with his mob cohorts. Dad winds up killing himself and the gangsters send her to live with bookie Sorrowful Jones(Aldolphe Menjou)who reluctantly bonds with Marky as well as gun moll Bangles(Dorothy Dell). LMM was remade twice,most recently in 1980 with Walter Matthau. The original,however,still stands up today and is the best version as far as I'm concerned:




ANIMAL CRACKERS IN YOUR SOUP

Another well known Shirley song and while I really don't like colorized b&w films,this was the best clip I could find of the song. It's from the movie Curly Top,which will be shown this Sunday:



Well,whatever you watch or do,have a Happy Easter,folks. To send you off with a smile,here's a Shirley Temple tribute courtesy of Janet Jackson:

Double dose of TAR,A South Park Easter and Top Design takes two.

We're getting down to the wire on Top Design,as the Final Three were given their challenge that would narrow the playing field even further. The assignment was to create a room inspired by an Elle Decor magazine cover on a low budget($7,500). The winner would not only get to be in the Finals but his/her design would be an ED cover for July. Carisa and Carl were fighting again(I swear,it's like watching a old married couple snipe at each other in public),this time over the faux brick wall that was the focal point for the room. Turns out Carl was right about it,because the judges really loved the look.

Carisa's room was really good,in my opinion,and Judge Jonathan Adler seems to like her style alot. The only complaint anyone had for her room was too many knickknacks and pillows,which didn't bother me(okay,I do agree about the pillows).




Matt's room won the challenge and it was alright but my first impression upon looking at it was "high end psychiatrist's office." Honestly,can't you picture Frasier Crane holding a therapy session in this room? Not to mention that there were some unfinished bits of business,like the extra metal rod that was meant to hold up the inkblot,because Matt got bogged down with upholstering the chaise lounge he bought for the room-something that he had NEVER done before!

Why would you take on a project like that,which you have no experience doing,in such a time constrained crucial"make-you-or-break-you" challenge like this?! Matt's explanation"Oh,it looks so easy whenever I go to the upholstery place" is stupid beyond belief. Of course it looks easy when it's being done by people who know what they're doing! What are they teaching people in design school these days,I'd like to know. If Todd Oldham hadn't saved his sorry ass by practically laying out a step by step outline for him to get the lounge done,Matt would've heard "See you later,Decorator!",no question in my mind.



Turns out it was Andrea who was dismissed. Her room was duller than last week's and as the guest judge pointed out,all the furniture was on the same eye level,nothing to constrant or raise your attention upwards. Andrea's big accomplishment for her design was to stitch a border on her baseboards with yarn,which doesn't work for two reasons:1)it's not something you would ever notice,unless you're staring at the floor and 2)yarn can be easy to chew thru/wear out in the long run. Not too sensible there.




So,it's Matt and Carisa in next week's finale and right after the last show,Shear Genius begins. It's a hairstylist competition hosted by Jaclyn Smith and with contestants who called themselves Dr. Boogie and Tabatha,we should be in for some fun.

On TAR:All Stars this week,we were given a two hour episode that took place in Poland,where teams had to face such challenges as piano tuning,X-raying manniquins and having to team up with another couple to eat a huge amount of kielbasa. I've eaten kielbasa and without saurkraut,it can be abit much to chow down. Oh,and for some reason,folks had to wear a suit of armor and lead a horse to the Pitstop:



Teams also paid a visit to Auschwitz,where they lit a candle in tribute to the victims and took some time to truly count their blessings. It was nicely done. Team Guido was eliminated,after recieving a 30 minute penalty on the first half of the Poland leg,if they didn't get to the Pitstop first, Too bad the guys were not in time to use the Fast Forward available but since that kept Uchenna and Joyce(along with Danny and Oswald)still in the game,it all worked out for the best.



South Park took on Easter,with a nifty Da Vinci code parody that gives as good an explanation as any why we dye eggs and have the Easter Bunny hide them. I don't know what was funnier,the marshmellow Peeps exploding in the microwave or Cartman's death threats to the local Mall Easter Bunny. If you really want to know the secret of Easter,check this clip before the ninjas break in to stop you:




Random Notes:

American Idol: Curse you,Sanjaya! Now Gina's gone and she actually had some talent! Why Haley is still there(the girl is just a sorry excuse for a rump shaker)and scary Phil is beyond me,unless this ,too, is the work of Sanjaya! Here's Gina in her farewell performance:



Atleast Lakisha,Melinda and Jordin are still safe..but for how long? America,please please,vote for the best,not the worst!

LAKISHA SINGS UP A STORM



MINDY DOO'S GOT RHYTHM



JORDIN'S VOICE COMES THRU CLEARLY



I'm really tempted to not put up any more Sanjaya clips but that wouldn't be much of a protest and besides,I was lucky enough to find a great Fred Astaire number to counteract it,so here goes:

SANJAYA SENDS US TO MUSICAL HELL



TAKE US TO HEAVEN,FRED!



The Office: Tonight,we get a new episode that's supersized and will deal with the whole Jam situation. Will Roy kick Jim's ass over Pam? Dun Dun DUN!! Inquiring minds want to know:

It Came From The Grindhouse!

The big movie this upcoming holiday weekend is the long awaited and much eagerly hyped Grindhouse,a daring double feature courtesy of Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez.
You get not only two freaky flicks but some amusing trailers for nonexistant exploitation films made by the likes of Rob Zombie,Edgar Wright(Shaun of the Dead)and Hostel's Eli Roth,who really put the ratings board to the test with his tribute to old school slasher movies,Thanksgiving. Take a look but be warned-this is not work,school or any other safe viewing. Those with weak stomachs should just skip this part,trust me:



So,how revved up am I for this film? Let's just say the sound is turned up to 11 1/2 on my speaker. While I was born too late to actually go to a grindhouse film(altho I have been in my share of run down movie theaters),I've seen a few of these films to be able to appreciate what's the what here. Without further delay,let the show begin!




HOWLING II

This so-called sequel to the Dee Wallace Stone cult classic has two alternate titles:"Howling 2:Your Sister is a Werewolf" and "Howling II:Stirba,Werewolf Bitch". Either one will do to describe the story,that sends our leading man to Transylvania to investigate the death of his sister.

There,he and one of his sister's old school friends run into Stirba(Sybil Danning),the werewolf witch queen who,when she's not having orgies with her wolfen minions,plots to destroy her enemies. Christopher Lee is in this story,too-I guess he had to pay the rent that month-as Stirba's archnemesis. The most memorable part of this whole movie for many people are the end credits that put a quick scene of Sybil popping her top in replay mode.

While I don't have a clip of that,this montage should give you a good idea of what this movie is all about. If you find that none of this makes sense,you're on the right track:






BLACULA

I caught this movie unexpectedly on American Movie Classics one early morning,back when AMC use to show s decent selection of old school horror movies not just play those godawful Halloween sequels in repeat rotation. Forgive my digression there and let's get back to the feature at hand.

Blacula is a great combo of blaxploitation and cheesy gothic horror,the kind that Hammer films did so well but that AIP could only attempt to copy. You can see echoes of Blacula in later mainstream films,such as Love at First Bite and Vampire in Brooklyn(Eddie Murphy must've been a really big fan of Blacula and it's sequel,Scream,Blacula,Scream)but the original movie still leaves it's fang marks on audiences:








DEMONS

Grindhouse films do have an apprecation for foreign cultural contributions and Lamberto Bava's Demons has to be seen to be believed. The plot is rather looseleaf in design,where basically the main characters are lured to some kind of movie opening that has a mystical mask in the theater lobby which scratches one person and sets off a whole chain of freaky zombie attack events. The zombies here don't have to bite you to spread the infection,they pretty much go"Tag,you're it!". There's no real story arch in place,you just watch the weirdness unfold:





LEGEND OF THE SEVEN GOLDEN VAMPIRES

Hammer Films did it's own mix and match of movie genres,pairing up a kung fu film with it's waning vampire franchise. Peter Cushing reprises his role as Van Helsing who only gets to actually confront Dracula at the end of the film(Dracula not being played by Christopher Lee,who actually turned it down. Guess his finances were better back then than in the mid-eighties. Can't imagine that he did Howling II merely for the chance to work with Sybil Danning). The rest of the film is mostly a"we must seek revenge against the fiends who took out sister!" deal,with some nifty sword play:




Most of these movies are available on DVD,so if you can't get a ticket to see Grindhouse this weekend,maybe you can grab a couple of them to have your own private schlock fest at home.

Morissette leads the way in Merry Musical Mayhem

American Idol will be on tonight,with Tony Bennet as their guest mentor. For those of you eagerly awaiting some more Sanjaya singing insanity,here's a few funny tunes from people who can actually sing and are sure fire knee slappers:

ALANIS MORISSETTE SHOWS US HER LOVELY LADY LUMPS

Yep,Alanis Morissette does a cover of Fergie and the Black Eyed Peas'"My Humps" and it's 100% comedy gold. I knew that Alanis had a good sense of humor( she hangs out with Kevin Smith for a reason)but who knew that she could throw down some serious parody riffs? All hail to the queen:



A PERFECT THEME SONG FOR DATELINE NBC'S CATCH A PREDATOR

The music channel Fuse has a great new comedy skit show called The Whitest Kids U Know and Trevor Moore,who sings this little ditty,is a favorite of both me and my sister. Check out this and if you don't get Fuse in your area,you can go to their website at http://www.whitestkids.com/



I DON'T THINK MCDONALDS WOULD LIKE THIS

Weird Al Yankovic is pretty much the king of parodies and while his take on R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet" is rather long(about ten minutes),it's not as tedious and is meant to make you laugh. Also,the animation is spot on,courtesy of Doug Bresler. Oh,and this will make you hungry-you have been warned:



SARAH SILVERMAN'S ONE WISH

In the season finale of the Sarah Silverman Show(which actually was meant to be the pilot episode),Sarah's embarrassment over a failed flatulence joke led her to sing this charmingly tasteless tune that won her a do-over from God. Hey,I don't write her stuff,I just stand on the sidelines and watch the wacky unfold:



And finally,let me wrap this up with one of my favorite moments from this year's Independant Spirit Awards. While the ceremony is pretty low tech,it has become a tradition to introduce the Best Feature nominees with song. Here,for your viewing pleasure is Minnie Driver's tribute to Pan's Labyrinth(the song has a good number of spoilers if you haven't seen the movie but not too many to really ruin it for you,in my opinion.):

Happy belated 10th Anniversary,Buffy!

I've been a bad Buffy fan....a very bad Buffy fan!

I completely forgot about March 10,which marked the 10 year anniversary of one of the best supernatural dramas on television,Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I suppose she and the Scoobies would forgive me(TPTB know they've had their share of memory mishaps)but the only way to truly make amends is to honor the salty goodness that Joss Whedon and company gave to us on a weekly basis by putting together a Top Ten list.

Not just any Top Ten,my own personal funastic favorite moments from most of the seven seasons! Man,that sounded way too peppy,even for me. Oh well,on with it!

10) Xander Declares His Independance

Xander Harris(Nicholas Brendon)was one of the key mainstays of the Scooby Gang,not to mention the first one of them to use the term"Scoobies". He's played many roles,as surrogate brother,wannabee boyfriend and the heart of the group. One of his best functions was,however,to be the fall guy. The one who took the hits and stumbled his way thru a demon assault. Everynow and then,he did rise to the occasion to kick some ass but a major fan favorite is when Xander turned all Renfield for Dracula in the season five opener,Buffy vs. Dracula. Here,towards the end of the episode,Xander vows to no longer be "everybody's butt monkey":



Personally,I thought he made a great"spider eating manbitch" but who am I to judge?

9) Giles Gets Down With His Demon Self

While Giles held the most reserved position in the group as Buffy's Watcher,it was always fun to see him shake and shimmy off the uberserious British veneer at times. During Season four,Giles got the chance to see the world thru a very different set of eyes,thanks to old buddy Ethan Rayne(Ethan was great,I wish they had done more with him). Here,Giles recruits the services of Spike(for pay,of course)to help him with this hocus pocus hullabaloo but not before getting some payback on Buffy's new mentor and college professor,Maggie Walsh:



8) Glory Flies The Unfriendly Skies

Many people were not fond of Season five Big Bad,Glory but I was not one of them. Glory was quite a challenge,being a hellgod with wicked fashion sense and random bouts of dementia which could only be quelled by sucking out the sanity in someone else's brain. In this clip,Glory nearly chows down on Dawn but winds up getting zapped elsewhere,thanks to Willow and Tara's combo mojo. Zapped to where,you might ask? Well,that's one of the kinks:



7) When Spike Met Buffy

I fell in love with BTVS in season two,when Spike first hit the scene. He was meant to be only a temporary villian but wound up sticking around til the very end of the series. The episode he appeared in,School Hard,is pretty much a BTVS classic that set a whole new tone for the show. Spike's character changed and evolved over the years,from Big Bad to reluctant ally to guilty pleasure to savior of the world. Take a gander at the very first meeting between the Slayer and William the Bloody,when he was all about the evil:





6) Spike And Dru Go Birding

Of course,you can't talk about season two without mentioning Drusilla,Spike's lady love and Angel's regret. The deadly duo cut a nice swarth thru Sunnydale in their day(or should I say night?)and a highlight of the show was Drusilla's mental meanderings which bordered on genius. In "Lie to Me",Spike gets a tad jealous of Dru's former fling with Angel(who only wants them both gone)and tries to discuss his feelings during her bonding time with her pet bird. Interesting side note,the vampire wannabee who insists on the "thirty seconds" tradition became Sarah Michelle Geller's co-star in the first Grudge movie. He didn't have a happy ending there,either:



5) Willow and Xander,Fearsome Vampire Lovers

Cordelia Chase always considered herself the center of the universe and in season three's "The Wish",she unwittingly recreated reality,thanks to vengeance demon Anyanka(who later followed in Cordy's romantic footsteps as Xander's girl). In this "brave new world",The Master has conquered Sunnydale and made Willow and Xander his top henchpersons. Here,the Sunnydale version of Spike & Dru demonstrate one of Joe Bob Briggs' criteria for good entertainment by having anyone die at anytime:



4) When Willows Collide

Willow's vampire alter ego proved to be so popular that she had a whole episode devoted to her,also in the third season. Once again,Anyanka aka Anya played a crucial role in bringing Vampire Willow back to a very different Sunnydale unlike the one where she could ride people in chains like ponies and had her seek out the more fuzzy Willow at the school library:



3) Buffy And Angelus' Duel of the Fates

Buffy and Angel's doomed romance has been the subject of many fan discussions and debates but all agree that the true climax of their relationship was in the season two finale that had both of them throwing down some major swordplay before the demon Acathla(hope I'm spelling that right)opened his big mouth to let loose the gates of hell. Buffy's having no choice but to slam the door shut with Angel as the key is out and out heartbreaking. One of my favorite bits in this whole sequence,however,is when Angelus has Our Girl backed up against the wall,taunting her as he strikes at her"No weapons,no friends,no hope. Take all that away,what's left?" She responds by catching the point of his sword like a Zen Master would a fly and saying" Me." You tell him,honey!:




2) Stuck Inside a Wacky Broadway Nightmare

Actually,the musical episode of Buffy is anything but a nightmare(for that,see the Seventh Heaven Valentine's Day singalong). It sets a high standard for any other show trying the same thing. Not only did Once More With Feeling showcase the talents of Anthony Stewart Head(who'll be humming a few tunes for Tim Burton's Sweeney Todd),Amber Benson and James Marsters and give keen insight into the inner turmoils of the characters,it kept a sense of humor about whole unrealness of just suddenly bursting into song. A good example of that is the first Scooby group number,I've got a theory, and it could've been bunnies,you never know!:



1) Back to the Beginning

The final season of Buffy had it's ups and downs(thanks to Andrew)but one of the best parts of that season was when the First Evil lectured Spike on what was to come by appearing in reverse order as every major villian of the show. Getting all those folks together to contribute such small moments is a sign of the great connections forged between the actors and the creators of BTVS. It's also wicked damn cool: