I was originally planning to do two separate posts for our next Bad Movie Month features but honestly,they're pretty much the same movie.
Both of them have genetically altered sea creatures being pursued by slightly mad scientists and government agents as they cut a bloody path of destruction up and down the shore. Scariest of all,faded stars of yesteryear are part of each cast.
First in the net is Sharktopus,where marine scientist Eric Roberts and his nubile daughter test out a new breed of mutant fish that's designed to help the Navy. As is the way of these things,something goes wrong and our new addition to Shark Week breaks free from the robotic control of it's masters.
The horrifying hybrid heads down to the local beach to chomp on as many folks as he can,which allows for many of these would be actors to have their own little dramatic moment on screen:
Along with Eric Roberts and his band of good guys trying to cut off the pack of bad guy types out to snatch Sharktopus,there's an annoying TV reporter and her henpecked camera crew pursuing this story as well. This woman is so one note bitchy that the real highlight of the film is watching her inevitable demise at the CGI jaws of the title critter.
Most of the movie consists of waiting for Sharktopus to snack on some unsuspecting tourist or bathing beauty and trust me when I say that the mutant shark has better lines than Eric Roberts or most of the humans on deck here. Just take a gander at the eulogy for one sorry soul from a member of Cranky Reporter Lady's crew:
"Were you a lawyer in a past life? Or no, maybe you worked at the DMV. Do you feel nothing, Stacy? That guy was killed in front of us inches away. Inches away! Gosh. He was kind of a nice guy, you know? Smell a little funky, but he was okay. Now he's dead." Pure Shakespeare,isn't it,folks?
Anyway,if you're in the mood for a movie that bolsters your argument about the artistic merits of Jaws,you may want to skip this one. Otherwise,there are worse ways to kill some cinematic time:
However,if you are surprisingly still hungry for more mutant monster water polo,the gang at Mega Piranha will be all too unhappy to oblige. This fishy terror tale is set in Venezuela,where a batch of fast growing carnivorous underwater dwellers happen to attack and devour several bathing suit clad gals and their male company.
Turns out that one of the fellas on board was the American ambassador,so Commander Bob Grady(played by former Brady Bunch son,Greg Williams)ships out a secret agent man to find out what really happened.
Not only do we get to see a grown up member of the Brady clan in action but he gets to literally phone in his performance for a good portion of the film:
All too soon,Secret Agent Man teams up with beleagued scientist Tiffany(yes,the former '80s mall princess herself)and her geek squad as they attempt to convince everyone that the cause of death up and down the river is not political enemies of the state.
The piranha get so big that they're truly able to leap tall buildings in a single bound and our hero has to punt those sharp tooth suckers like killer footballs in order to help save the day. What truly does save the day is a lot of explosive action and in the midst of all this nonsense,Tiffany and Secret Agent Man find time to fall in love. It would have more amusing if the piranha had gotten one of them by the end credits there:
Tune in next time on Bad Movie Month when we get the bug spray out for Mansquito. Until then, savor the flavor of our fierce fish food double feature:
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