The Hench Woman's Handbook is quite the sinister sister act of mine

Over this past weekend,I have begun launching a new literary project that I hope will be both entertaining as well as beneficial to my ultimate goal of becoming a published author and seeing books written by me on a bookshelf near you.

Yes,folks,I've stepped into the brave new world of e-books and put out one of my very own,with the help of my sister Stephanie. She's made a lot of strides in the online comic world,with her work appearing in anthologies such as Jesus Hates Zombies:Those Slack Jaw Blues and Only in Whispers and she's currently the graphic illustrator for the action adventure series Perfect Agent(written by Greg Carter).

She did the cover art for what I'm calling a "comic book novella"(translation: a long short story set in a comic book/superhero reality),The Hench Woman's Handbook which is now available at Smashwords. So,before I started shamelessly plugging away for my story, my thanks to Stephanie for being generous with her time and talent on my behalf.



So,what is the plot of this "comic book novella", you may ask? Well,our story begins at an out of the way bar located on the wrong side of the tracks where a young woman dressed in black stops in to meet a person who she hopes will fast track her career goal of joining up with a major super villain as his right hand woman,in a manner of speaking.

Her mystery guest is a somewhat forced into retirement hench woman who broke the glass ceiling set up for the majority of evil female sidekicks and became a super villianess in her own right. However,she first entered this criminally competitive field as "In Charge Marge",the most valuable player on the team lead by Master Class,a multimillionaire and first class fiend(worst that Donald Trump,I assure you).

Over the course of the evening and a few drinks,Marge and her potential protege discuss five important tips for any woman willing to work her way up the super villain ladder who also wants to be taken seriously. In addition,Marge winds up sharing a few personal moments about her life and times,which turns out to be more revealing about herself than she intends to be:





After awhile,the tone of the conversation takes a unexpected twist and what lies in store for our eager criminal career gal's future may not be as rewarding as she imagines.

My inspiration for The Hench Woman's Handbook comes from a brief Lex Luthor subplot in a Superman comic back in 1987 where he drops into a diner on his way back to Metropolis and amuses himself by playing a mean spirited mind game with a waitress.

He offers the newly married woman a million dollars to spend a month with him as his "beck and call" girl(a Pretty Woman reference feels right for this situation),which she at first refuses.

Lex then ups the ante by pointing out the ho-hum quality of her current life choices and gives her ten minutes to meet him in his car. She thinks about for a solid several minutes before realizing that Lex has already been long gone. The end scene shows him laughing the whole thing up with his chauffeur,that magnificent bastard. Luthor was always one of the better Superman foes,due to his innate instinct for malice and razor sharp intelligence which cuts his enemies deeper than any blade ever could:



I wondered how that story might have ended if the waitress was more inclined to call Lex out on his bluff than dither around with moral quandaries instead. As you can see from this excerpt, in my mind,it would've gone a little something like this:

Now, I had been working in food service for quite some time, in places slightly better than the Greasy Spoon but not by much, and I knew enough to take things in stride. Doesn't matter if it's a Hollywood hot shot or a bum begging for change at your table, you never know who's going to leave that big tip at the end of the meal. So, I went over to take his order, being friendly but businesslike, you know?

I said to him "So, do you know what you want or should I give you more time?"

He looked me over, brushing back one of his sideburns, before answering me. "Well, my dear, perhaps that query applies more to you than it does to me."

I wasn't in the mood for wise guy talk. "Look, Mister" I tell him, "we're pretty busy here so when you want to order something that's on the menu (I tapped said menu to make my point), you just let me know."

As I started to storm off, Dexter put a hand on my elbow and said "Pardon me, Miss Margery, is it?"

Since I was wearing a name tag , him calling me by name wasn't a problem but grabbing my arm was except that he wasn't holding it too hard. "I truly don't mean to aggravate a working person in the course of their duty but from time to time, I sense that someone is not where he or she was meant to be in life. A gift from my grandmother May, so it has been said."

"That's nice; all my grandmother ever gave me was red hair and the back of her hand." I tried to slowly yank my arm away from him but that light grip was strong.



He smiled at that. "Fascinating yet my point is that it behooves me, when this feeling comes along, to see if I can help that person find their proper position in the world and you strike me strongly as one such person." His hand left my elbow and patted the seat next to him. "Shall we discuss this further?"

"That's really interesting and probably the best offer I'm going to get today but I've got other tables to see to and make sure that their house specials are properly placed with the right party there, you understand. It behooves me to do so."

I was able to make my grand departure then, taking my time to finish up a couple of orders elsewhere before getting back to him. I know he had his eye on me, especially when I had to catch a tray of hot soup that the new girl nearly threw up in the air there. I must have been a contortionist in another life to keep those bowls from flying into someone's face.

That might have made him act a little less smug when I got back to him. He sat there, acting all nice as pie and after ordering a tuna melt, got right back to where he started with me. "Miss Margery..."

"Just call me Marge, okay? Time is money and I'm short on both."

He liked that comeback, I could tell from the small grin on his mug there. "Very well, Marge, my dear, as I was saying before ,you appear to be a woman whose talents are far from being challenged in such an establishment as this." He waved his cig around and dropped some ash on the floor. "No doubt you know who I am and what I can provide to the right young lady not merely for entertainment purposes but in financial security as well."

Yep, I was hooked but not stupid. I kept my cool and just said "Okay, so what are you offering, exactly?"

"The opportunity to be my personal companion, to stay by my side while living the glamorous life. I need a pretty face to accompany me to social events that I can't get out of and it would be nice to have one that I could hold an actual conversation with and not become bored within the first two minutes of the evening. Other requirements of this position would include providing an alibi or two when needed. Hopefully, you don't have an arrest record of any sort..." I shook my head and he went on.

"Of course, you're old enough to realize that I'm not seeking any long term emotional commitment but I do think we can get along just fine. When we decide to part ways, a golden parachute of sorts will be handed over to you for services rendered, giving you ,amongst other sundry items, a home of your own and mutual funds that will be invested properly. Our arrangement can be put into writing, a minor task for my lawyers to deal with." He smirked at that, giving his whole game away. Only bullies and creeps smirk like that when they think they're pulling one over on you,.....



That nasty smirk snapped me right out of any urge to roll over for him. My answer to that was "So, you think I'm a hooker."

"Oh, no, no, please not at all!" He stubbed out his smoke and switched his face over to nice guy mode. "Marge, you are a striking young woman, you don't need me to tell you that."

I snorted. Being hit on was one of those in the line of duty hazards of the job. "I can see that this dreary table hopping routine of yours wasn't what you dreamed of being as a little girl but something you felt that you had to settle for."
Well, he had my number there.

He took my hand and held it like he was planning on giving my knuckles a kiss. "Why spend the remainder of your youth drowning your beauty and brains in a dive such as this? It would be far better to have a few exciting tales to spin in your golden years about the bold chance you took when a stranger walked in and whisked you away to places and experiences that you never believed would be yours to behold."

"Geez, I'm not even thirty yet and you've got me in an old folks home already. A real Romeo you are."

A ding from the counter told me that his order was up. "I need my hand back to get your lunch."

He released it and smirked again. "I'll give you a few moments to consider my offer, while you bring me that tuna plate." He thought he was dismissing me but he found out how wrong he was about that when I returned. As I put the plate down in front of him, Dexter gave me a hungry look (which wasn't for the food, trust me) and started in with "What do you say, Marge? My car is right outside and you can exchange your apron for a seat in the back."

My laugh startled him, which says a lot about it considering that this was a man who faced down big league super heroes like the Courageous Avenger with nothing more than a walking stick and hidden behind the back laser gun. "What kind of a super villain are you, anyway? Making me an offer that we can have a bunch of lawyers write up it, all nice and neat. How very legal eagle of you!"

Dexter's face was flushed and he hadn't even tasted the tuna melt yet. "I don't comprehend your implications here. If you prefer a verbal agreement..." My next laugh cut him off quick.

I leaned down and talked low in his ear. "You want to know what I'm implying, Mr. Trenton? I'm implying that you're just another pushy guy in a fancy suit who thinks that he can get whatever he wants by flashing some cash along with big talk. You're supposed to be this evil genius, a real menace to society type but someone like that wouldn't be asking me what the deal was. He'd be telling me."

I rose up and looked him right in the eye. "If you want me, just take me. Throw me over your shoulder or have your driver do it, then lock me in the trunk and hold me prisoner until I give in to your demands." I headed back to the kitchen, giving him my final word on the way. "That's how the real bad guys do it."


There's more to this story,of course,but at the heart of it is the connection between Marge and Master Class. Not exactly Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy in terms of an argumentative romantic couple,I grant you,but they do have their moments and one liners there:





"That's all very well and good,Lady T,but since when are you into e-books? Do you even have a Kindle or Nook or what ever else is out there?" No, I don't owe any sort of e-reader device(and if you don't either,the rest of my story is available in PDF and other computer screen friendly formats)and while my preference is for print books,it would be foolish of me to ignore this growing section of the market place.

The reason that my e-book is free is that I hope to gain a wider audience for my fiction writing along with catching the interest of a literary agent that can sell my finished novel(and it's nearly completed sequel)that has similar comic book themes. I would also love some feedback on my writing as well,so feel free to leave comments either at this post or at the official Hench Woman's Handbook Facebook page.

Thank you for your patience with this longer than usual post and if you decide to read The Hench Woman's Handbook,I hope that it's a sweet trip to the super villain shop for you. Speaking of sweet but deadly,let's end this with a fun musical tribute to two of my favorite female Batman foes,Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy-the true party girls of evil. If I could write characters as great as them,I would be beyond satisfied as an author:

Bad Movie Month serves up a SyFy seafood platter of Sharktopus and Mega Piranha

I was originally planning to do two separate posts for our next Bad Movie Month features but honestly,they're pretty much the same movie.

Both of them have genetically altered sea creatures being pursued by slightly mad scientists and government agents as they cut a bloody path of destruction up and down the shore. Scariest of all,faded stars of yesteryear are part of each cast.

First in the net is Sharktopus,where marine scientist Eric Roberts and his nubile daughter test out a new breed of mutant fish that's designed to help the Navy. As is the way of these things,something goes wrong and our new addition to Shark Week breaks free from the robotic control of it's masters.

The horrifying hybrid heads down to the local beach to chomp on as many folks as he can,which allows for many of these would be actors to have their own little dramatic moment on screen:





Along with Eric Roberts and his band of good guys trying to cut off the pack of bad guy types out to snatch Sharktopus,there's an annoying TV reporter and her henpecked camera crew pursuing this story as well. This woman is so one note bitchy that the real highlight of the film is watching her inevitable demise at the CGI jaws of the title critter.



Most of the movie consists of waiting for Sharktopus to snack on some unsuspecting tourist or bathing beauty and trust me when I say that the mutant shark has better lines than Eric Roberts or most of the humans on deck here. Just take a gander at the eulogy for one sorry soul from a member of Cranky Reporter Lady's crew:

"Were you a lawyer in a past life? Or no, maybe you worked at the DMV. Do you feel nothing, Stacy? That guy was killed in front of us inches away. Inches away! Gosh. He was kind of a nice guy, you know? Smell a little funky, but he was okay. Now he's dead." Pure Shakespeare,isn't it,folks?

Anyway,if you're in the mood for a movie that bolsters your argument about the artistic merits of Jaws,you may want to skip this one. Otherwise,there are worse ways to kill some cinematic time:





However,if you are surprisingly still hungry for more mutant monster water polo,the gang at Mega Piranha will be all too unhappy to oblige. This fishy terror tale is set in Venezuela,where a batch of fast growing carnivorous underwater dwellers happen to attack and devour several bathing suit clad gals and their male company.

Turns out that one of the fellas on board was the American ambassador,so Commander Bob Grady(played by former Brady Bunch son,Greg Williams)ships out a secret agent man to find out what really happened.

Not only do we get to see a grown up member of the Brady clan in action but he gets to literally phone in his performance for a good portion of the film:





All too soon,Secret Agent Man teams up with beleagued scientist Tiffany(yes,the former '80s mall princess herself)and her geek squad as they attempt to convince everyone that the cause of death up and down the river is not political enemies of the state.

The piranha get so big that they're truly able to leap tall buildings in a single bound and our hero has to punt those sharp tooth suckers like killer footballs in order to help save the day. What truly does save the day is a lot of explosive action and in the midst of all this nonsense,Tiffany and Secret Agent Man find time to fall in love. It would have more amusing if the piranha had gotten one of them by the end credits there:



Tune in next time on Bad Movie Month when we get the bug spray out for Mansquito. Until then, savor the flavor of our fierce fish food double feature:

Design Star's wedding party woes,True Blood gets spellbound and The Next Food Network Star is...

For the finale of The Next Food Network Star,the remaining three contenders were given one last camera challenge that would leave just two of them to battle it out for the win. The odd man out here turned out to be Vic,who did his best yet still has a way to go in perfecting his onscreen skills.



The final showdown was then between Susie's Spice It Up! vs. Jeff's Sandwich King,with Guy Fieri directing both mini pilot episodes. Jeff and Susie did take a couple of takes to mellow out and hit their marks but they each managed to do their concept well.



The dish that Susie made for her pilot was a sopes with re-fried beans and chorizo,plus a slaw topping. She had a little trouble with focusing her energy at first but Susie ended up with a very good clip that made Jeff nervous about his chances.



The sandwich that Jeff made for his pilot was beef braciole,topped with peppers and crispy onions. The guy really had his act together here,after a few early stumbles and managed to slip in a couple of good jokes along with his culinary instructions.



The pilots were then shown to the judges and a panel made up of former TNFNS competitors from this season. Most of them praised Jeff for his star quality and spoke favorably of Susie,as well-except for Penny,of course!

Penny was quick to harshly critique Susie and suck up to Jeff there,perhaps trying to extend her "it's not personal,it's business" explanation for her behavior from the reunion special. Sorry,sweetie but that doesn't fly with me. As Kathleen Kelly once said "Whatever else anything is, it ought to begin by being personal."



So,this year's winner is Jeff and his new show,Sandwich King,will be premiering this weekend. Congrats to him and here's hoping that Vic and Susie may get their own FN shows sometime in the future:





The challenge on Design Star this week was to put together a wedding reception area,complete with groom's lounge a day before the actual ceremony. Dina Manzo was the special guest judge here,since she's having a brand new show on the network.

Guys,this is the second time that you've had a special guest judge who is basically there to promote their new series and frankly,I would prefer someone with a little more expertise instead.



The designers that worked on the groom's lounge were Mark,Kevin and Karl who clashed over the style choices to be made. The groom wanted a Rat Pack kind of set-up that Karl feared wouldn't go with the Victorian theme that the bride wanted for the rest of the space.

Kevin and Mark wound up selecting most of the pieces for that area,with Mark winning the challenge for whipping up a skateboard wall hanging that reflected the husband-to-be's interests and for his excellent use of mood lighting throughout the entire reception hall.



Meg and Kellie teamed up to do the flowers as well as the canopy hangings on the ceiling and with a lot of help from Karl,put up a gorgeous chandelier.

While the flower centerpieces weren't as even as they should have been,Meg at least went above and beyond by adding flowers to Cathy's sweetheart table(which was clearly lacking in that element). Cathy had put herself in charge of linens and tableware,due to her repeated reminders that her wedding designs have appeared in three different magazines- constant bragging is so endearing to others,is it not?



Was Cathy appreciative of that gesture? No,and she tried to toss Meg under the bus for that during judging.

She insisted that she assumed they would create a larger centerpiece,despite the fact that Cathy ignored Meg every time that Meg tried to ask her about what she wanted for the table. Cathy,do we really have to tell you what happens when you assume?



Leslie was working with Cathy on the linens but was being more bossed around by her than anything else. Some of that aggravation may have influenced her choice of glittery cover-up for a nice column table that was part of the sign in section.

The judges did like the long floor lantern that she chose(which Cathy kept putting the kibosh on)and if Leslie had gone off in that direction instead of letting Cathy's carping get to her,the end result would've not looked so thrown together.



Thankfully,Cathy was sent home this week for her lackluster selections along with her lack of team spirit. Victorian style cries out for opulence but her linens and plates were pretty standard stuff for any formal occasion.

Cathy's farewell video showcases more of her modest approach to life and makes that parting truly sweeter than sorrowful,I must say. Next time,things are still not all sunshine and roses as the designers are tasked to remake someone's actual home. Okay,people,time to put up or shut up-otherwise,you'll be joining Cathy outside the studio door:





On True Blood, Jessica survived the sun spell,thanks to Jason who was also man enough to turn down her romantic affections after she dumped Hoyt(Tommy would be interested in being her new beau,I'm sure,but then again,he might try to skinwalk her instead).

Meanwhile,the only fried vampire accounted for is the neighbor of Hoyt's hateful mother and King Bill uses his glamor power to make a quick spin on that incident on the local news,which ticks Marnie/Antonia off to no end.

During her rant,Marnie/Antonia reveals her full plans to wipe the vampire population out to Tara,who really doesn't have a problem with that. Considering what she's been through,I can't blame her for that attitude:





King Bill then arranges a parley with the witches,hoping to make some sort of peace accord but all involved know that it's going to get ugly fast. Eric and Sookie join the fight,after taking a break from magical sex in the snow time,and Sookie's telepathy is useful in warning Bill about a counterstrike spell floating around in Marnie/Antonia's brain.

As the battle rages on,Sookie is shot and carried off to safety by Alcide,which goes against the Switzerland stand that his new pack is taking,not to mention setting off Debbie's jealousy alarm. While I'm sure Sookie will recover somehow,the big question is what will happen to Eric,who is now under the complete control of Marnie/Antonia. Yep,things are about to get even crazier than before,folks:



RANDOM NOTES

SUGAR HIGH: If you miss watching Ace of Cakes,you can still see Duff Goldman singing the praises of pastry. Food Network gave him a travel show where he scoffs down goodies from coast to coast and it sounds like a sweet trip to the bake shop indeed:

Bad Austen,coming soon to a bookshelf near you!

As some of you may recall,I participated in a couple of Jane Austen themed writing contests earlier this year and won a runner-up spot in one that will publish my little sketch in a collection this fall.

That anthology is now being listed online at both Amazon and Barnes & Noble under it's full title Bad Austen: The Worst Stories that Jane Never Wrote. It will be available in paperback and has an on-sale date of November 15(pre-ordering is highly encouraged!).

"Hey,Lady T,are you making any money off of this?" No,but as they say on Oscar night,it's a honor just to be included and I do get two copies of the book as well. For those who are wondering what "Bad Austen" is supposed to imply,the challenge was to write a brief parody of Jane's classic novels and be as creative as you can in blending in pop culture themes or off beat ideas.

My contribution,for example,was "Bennet Bridezillas",which imagined what it would be like to see Austen's most marriage hungry clan on a reality show. Other tales evoked Twilight,The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and one even reinvented the Bennets as a family of ducks(that one was cute!). Plenty of room for unusual pairings here-I'm only surprised that Lady GaGa wasn't invited to this party:





The other Austen contest that I entered has not yet chosen a winner but the book is also up for pre-order at B&N and Amazon,which I highly encourage you in as well.

Jane Austen Made Me Do It: Original Stories Inspired by the Most Accurate Observer of the Human Heart is most fortunate to have Austenprose's Laurel Ann Nattress as it's editor and a batch of Austen themed stories by some of the best authors in this field out there. It will also be in paperback and out by October(more info on the book will be featured in my September/October book preview post later this month).

What's wonderful about this Austen anthology is how many of my favorite authors will be featured here,such as Laurie Viera Rigler whose Jane Austen Addict novels are a sheer delight and that I hope we will be seeing another season of it's online adaptation,Sex and the Austen Girl:



I hope that all of you will take the time to enjoy these books and that this little spotlight on my writing efforts will expand from here. I do have another literary project in the works that I will be shamelessly promoting soon(alas,it is not Austen related but you may like it anyway)but in the meantime, I hope that my Bad Austen skit will be enough to make you want to read more of my tales,which are just as fanciful as Mr. Wickam's(if not more reliable):

A few thrillers that should make the leaves tremble in the movie trailer park this fall

Entertainment Weekly just came out with their Fall Movie Preview issue that highlights plenty of the expected big films due to arrive this autumn and early winter season. Along with those A list flicks,however,are a good number of scary smaller ones that could even make the latest Dow Jones average look less frightening in comparison.

First up is Dream House,starring Daniel Craig as a NYC publisher who moves to a quiet house in the New England countryside with his beloved wife(Rachel Weisz)and two darling daughters.

A series of strange occurrences in their new home leads them to find out that their residence was the sight of a gruesome family murder and that they're more connected to it than they know. The producers of this film swear that what is revealed in this trailer is not the biggest plot twist up their sleeves but that remains to be seen:





Kevin Smith is determined to shake off his former comic persona with Red State,which pits a trio of hapless teenagers against a family of religious zealots who are determined to make those who they deem as sinners pay for their trespasses in blood.

So far,the movie is planned to be in a rather limited theatrical release before going on to video on demand and then regular home video. Based on the tone of the teaser trailer,Smith appears to have been keeping company with the likes of Eli Roth and Rob Zombie as the gritty documentary/grindhouse vibe of it shows.

Red State also feels like it would fit in with a triple feature bill of The Last Exorcism and any one of the Paranormal Activity flicks-just hope that the final product lives up to this promise:





Speaking of PA, the third film in the series Paranormal Activity 3 is due to come out in time for Halloween. This chapter deals with the back story of the two sisters haunted by the mysterious demon as it appears to be made up of home movies from their childhood.

Whether or not part three will follow up on what happened to the baby snatched by the end of the second film is uncertain. While such a delicate subject is naturally upsetting to even think about,it would help this now growing series to have some sort of end game in mind.

Otherwise,it will be pretty hard to make this bag of cinematic tricks worth checking out for a third or even a fourth time. Since the earlier films did so well in terms of story telling scares,it would be a shame to see PA turn into another Saw style of movie mess:





A movie that's bound to stir up plenty of nervous conversation,We Need to Talk About Kevin puts Tilda Swindon front and center as the mother of a notorious teen mass murderer who had doubts about the true nature of her child from the very beginning.

Based on the chilling yet compelling novel by Lionel Shriver,this story focuses on the dark side to the myth of motherhood that encourages denial of warning signs that indicate the sociopathic tendencies of a kid from a well to-do home.

The film will be released in England this October before it comes to the U.S. by late December and it's certainly not a happy holiday family feature,that's for sure:



"These movies sound pretty grim,Lady T. Aren't things bad enough out there without paying to see stuff like this?" Granted,I wouldn't recommend that you see nothing but scary films ,however, maybe one or two of them could help you get a better handle on the all too real fears staring us in the face.

Fictional fear shows tend to mirror our deepest anxieties and in some cases,they can put your own worries into a broader perspective. At the very least,a good healthy dose of make believe terror can shake the true scares right out of you and let in some much needed laughter:

Never Sleep Again awakens fond memories of Freddy franchise fun

Over the course of two days, I viewed the four hour documentary Never Sleep Again: The Elm Street Legacy which chronicles the rise and fall of the Nightmare on Elm Street films.

The movie was fascinating,with plenty of behind the scenes insights from the actors( Johnny Depp and Patricia Arquette were no shows here),producers,writers and f/x folk involved in making this series a scary success. One of the topics brought up was the surprising commercial appeal of Freddy,which inspired in me a nostalgic look back at how Freddy invaded the mainstream and took it by storm:



As a natural focus on the youth market,The Nightmare series aimed right at the heart of MTV with not only tie in music videos from Dokken and the Fat Boys but interactive promos with the VJs as well.

Freddy's hosting of music video hours became a regular part of the advertising campaigns for the films and were good practice for the Freddy's Nightmares TV anthology series that came(and quickly went)later on:






Freddy mania also spread to one of the more popular ways to reach out and touch someone back in those days;900 numbers.

A special "Talk to Freddy" line was set up so that you could pay two dollars for the first minute to listen to Kruegar tell you a gruesome bed time story. Yes, I did dial up him back in the day and believe me, the hype in the ad was much more frightening.

New Line also conducted a few contests via phone,offering cash as well as tons of terrifying prizes such as posters,Fangoria magazine subscriptions and even the chance to appear in "Freddy's Dead". I don't know if anyone did win that last one:





Another commercial avenue explored for Freddy was guest appearances on TV shows. While clearly he wasn't kid friendly enough to show up on the Muppet Show,Freddy did make his presence known on a puppet casted satire show called D.C. Follies.

The comedy skit series was intended as the American version/rip-off of Britain's Spitting Image program and Fred Willard was the only other human onscreen. D.C. Follies took place in a local Washington watering hole for political and celebrity parody figures of the day and frankly,I wouldn't mind seeing Freddy give a wake up call to the gang running things there these days:





The last official appearance of Freddy on film( by that I mean a Robert Englund performance) couldn't resist a romp into the hallowed hall of hype once again. It was Freddy vs. Jason,after all-a total love letter to the fans of both slasher series.

A Las Vegas weigh-in and press conference was totally apropos and gave Freddy the chance to display his trash talking skills to their best advantage. I doubt that anyone placed a serious bet based on the odds given at this event but hey,you never know:





The Freddy fun keeps on going and keeps the legacy of Elm Steet alive for generations to come. While some may rightly be less than thrilled about the camp factor that crept into the series over time,it doesn't hurt to laugh a little about it.

Never Sleep Again shares the joys as well as the hardships of making those movies and it gives a little perspective into the NOES phenomenon that's much needed. Just remember,folks,if you want the perfect Freddy,all you have to do is dream:

Bad Movie Month sets up a perilous playdate for Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys

Once upon a time,there was a little B movie company called Full Moon created by a fellow named Charles Band that made many strange and awesomely awful direct to video films that enchanted the realm of bad movie fans with such wonders as Castle Freak,Subspecies and Puppet Master.

The Puppet Master films were very popular and a good deal of them were made,which pleased the overlords of cinema squalor very much. However,a bargain made with the sinister souls of the Sci-Fi Channel lead to an unofficial Puppet Master sequel that also snatched up a new batch of Full Moon franchise darlings dubbed Demonic Toys.



Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys stars former '80s teen icon Corey Feldman as the latest descendant of the famed Toulon clan that first made the murderous marionettes.

He and his teenage daughter Alex hope to replicate the formula which gives the little fiends life(the secret ingredient happens to be their blood). Little does he know that his efforts are being spied upon by Erica Sharpe(Vanessa Angel),the heiress to a major toy company who has evil designs upon his family's lethal legacy:





Erica,in addition to planning a Christmas eve massacre that will unleash her company's line of Christmas Pal dolls to take over the world,is bored with her trio of demon infested playthings that her dear old dad sold his soul for when she was a little girl.

Granted,these dolls consist of a foul talking baby,a chomp happy teddy bear with glowing green eyes and a carnivorous jack in the box but even Veruca Salt was more grateful to her placating parents than this spoiled sweetheart from hell.

She now wants the Toulon puppets as her personal pack of protectors so she does what any savvy business person would do,renegotiate her contract. After a routine sacrifice of the lobby receptionist(a job position as safe as wearing a red shirt on a Star Trek mission),Erica summons up the demon Bael and they agree to split up the remaining Toulons in a truly bloody way.

Meanwhile,Papa Toulon catches on that something is amiss after a foiled raid on his shop that damages his puppets ,which gives him plenty of opportunity to flirt with the attractive police woman he keeps running into. After all,who can resist a goofy guy with a voice like a chain smoking grandma who likes to play with dolls for a living,huh?:





Eventually,Papa Toulon stumbles onto the full plan and tries to stop Erica but is disbelieved by the authorities,of course. Naive Police Woman,however,is willing to trust him somewhat and gives him the chance to take off. Guess there's slim pickings in the dating pool in that town,indeed.

Naturally,daughter Alex is kidnapped by the bad guys but not before her dad updates the weaponry on the puppets and the both of them realize that they're dealing with demon worshipers(dun,dun,dun!).

Naive Police Woman teams up with him to save the day after running into a couple of the Demonic Toys herself but they have to hurry before the big blood sacrifice that will set off a horrifying holiday season. Why do evil corporate types always want to ruin kid friendly celebrations like Christmas and Halloween,I ask you? Wouldn't it be more surprising to mount an invasion of unholy terrors on a day that's a bit more casual-Labor Day Beach Party Massacre! Just throwing it out there,folks:



So,if you're in the mood for the saddest playtime ever,Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys will gladly disappoint you. From the overt overacting by even the props to the appearance of the main demon in a Santa suit,this miserable movie delivers on the sorry cinematic goods. Tune in next time for a double dose of aquatic awfulness with Mega Piranha and Sharktopus and until then,play careful with your toys:

The Next Food Network Star takes on Iron Chef America,Design Star's dream kitchen nightmares and a True Blood vamp gets sunburned

For their next to last challenge,the final four contenders on The Next Food Network Star went to a mini version of Kitchen Stadium to have an Iron Chef America face-off. Jeff went up against Susie while Vic and Mary Beth had to battle each other.

Each team took turns cooking and doing on camera commentary with Alton Brown. The real fly in the ointment here was the return of four former competitors to act as sous chefs and one of them was,of course,the dreadful Penny.

And yes,it was Mary Beth who wound up with her-frenemies united! Poor Mary Beth,talk about having no luck at all with this pot luck pick.



To be fair,you can't blame all of Mary Beth's food flaws during Battle Rack of Lamb on Penny but it certainly didn't help that Penny chose to work at two speeds;slow and stop.

Even the judges were getting uncomfortable about this and despite Alton himself calling her out on those shenanigans,Penny persisted in the slow down.

She only hurt herself in the end,since a good number of popular contenders from TNFNS have gone on to get their own shows on the network(Kid in a Candy Store and Outrageous Food,for example). With such poor sportsmanship,I think Penny killed her chances on that channel quicker than a belch ruining a formal dinner party.



Meanwhile,Jeff charmed everyone with his verbals skills but his cooking came under fire as he overly relied on mayonnaise for all three of his Battle Lobster dishes. Susie,on the other hand,had a nice set of perfect dishes which made up for some of her cutesy replies during her commentary time.



So, Mary Beth was at long last eliminated,for her lackluster lamb chops and bone dry commentary. That leaves us with Vic,Jeff and Susie for the finale.

As much as I like Vic and his tender hearted tough guy shtick, he still has trouble on the verbal front and his food can be hit or miss at times. Vic claims that he's on a learning curve but as one of the judges said,they're looking for a star,not a student.

Jeff has been on a roll with his Sandwich King persona lately but he has to be careful not to get overly confident with Susie hot on his heels.

She can be a little too sweetness and light yet when she wants to,Susie can kick ass in the kitchen with charm to spare. The finale will be on this Sunday,after the reunion special(why they're showing the reunion first is beyond me,folks)and may the best chef win:





It was time for the dreaded kitchen challenge on Design Star and the show's producers wisely chose to provide white box spaces for the contenders to create a dream version in rather than make over one in someone's house(which has not boded well in the past).

The special guest judge for this round was Paula Deen,who did actually check for butter under one of the dishes-good call,Paula! Everyone worked in teams of two and had their choice of styles to emulate in their area.



Karl and Cathy were paired up again and while their kitchen space looked decent,it didn't appear to be contemporary style at all. The only element that looked like their chosen design was the metal chandelier that Karl had picked out.

Part of the problem was the abundance of food props that Cathy insisted on having. Karl tried to change things around but she just shooed him away with "I've got it!" and then later denied that he objected to that in front of the judging panel. Not cool,Cathy-not cool at all! Your on camera segment may have been the best but your personality is far from best in show.



On the brighter side,Mark and Kellie did very well in putting together a farm fresh country style. Despite a debate over what to use for the backsplash(both choices wound up being put up),they managed to have a solid cohesive look that was also warm and inviting.



The cabbage candle holders that Kellie made were a nice touch. It was a last minute idea that turned out better than expected and Paula Deen really loved them. I was rooting for Meg to win this time for her pegboard kitchen ware wall but Kellie earned this victory fair and square.



On the chopping block was Kevin,for carrying his "family of three' storyline for the room too far by cluttering up the desk area with a bunch of toys and trinkets that looked messy. Also, the stool that he selected for the desk didn't allow for a lot of leg room there.



Tyler went home instead,due to his notion of putting a small purple bench in front of a giant wooden slab of a table as proper seating. He also didn't finish the backsplash,leaving the sink area bare(which is where he should have started!). Creativity is fine but kitchens need to be practical above all else.

Next week,the designers have to set up a wedding and guess who is making her presence known? I do agree with Karl about the groom's section not clashing with the bride's-the day does belong to both of them,despite whatever they screech on Bridezillas:





Most of the subplots merged together on True Blood this week,with the few exceptions being that Tommy's new skinwalker powers got him kicked out of Sam's home and Lafayette's medium abilities coming to light(I knew he was the one with the real power,I knew it!). As Tara barely survived an assault from Pam and had to send away her new found love in order to protect her,she ran into the newly escaped Marnie out in the woods.

Marnie is no longer in the driver's seat,however-Antonia has fully taken over and is in recruitment mode for a round of magical revenge on the vampire nation. Tara is not so sure about this at first but their mutual connection of war wounds at the hands and fangs of vamps is too strong to resist and she is soon on board:





Marnie/Antonia and Tara gather up the remaining witches and enough new comers to form a tight power circle that makes the spell for calling vampires to the sun much more effective than when it was first cast centuries ago.

King Bill(after getting a brutal wake-up call from one of his enchanted sheriffs)orders his people to leave the area and for those who remain to chain themselves down with silver.

Bill includes Jessica in his emergency plans but he doesn't have the heart to bind her well enough with the burning silver,causing her to answer the summons to the sun on her own. Even with Jason hurrying to save her,this may be the last that we see of Jessica-she's not in the books,after all and is therefore expendable.

On the other hand, some of the characters meant to die in the novels have survived so it's a fifty-fifty draw. Well,if she has to go,at least she went out in a blaze of glory:



RANDOM NOTES:

THE RACHEL ZOE PROJECT: A new season is set to start in September without beloved assistant Brad(what is it with her and staff members leaving fast and furious there?)but with Rachel ready to have a baby. Guess motherhood gives her more of a opportunity to indulge in her favorite pastime,shopping sprees(does a four month old really need a walk in closet?):