Bad Movie Month Returns with Bloodrayne

Today officially begins the celebration of schlocky cinema,bad wannabe blockbusters and most of Rob Schneider's films,Bad Movie Month. August,as some of you may know,has been given this honor due to lack of any actual holiday for this month plus the amount of onscreen sludge dumped out by studios wanting to clean house before the fall. Yes,January/February has it's clunkers but a)those months have other holidays and b)August was first in being the bad film stomping grounds.

To start us off,I thought a somewhat recent piece that barely saw the light of the silver screen and hit the DVD market so fast that it hit back would be like the porridge that Goldilocks chose. I give you BloodRayne,which stars Kristanna Lokken in the title role as a"dhamphir"(half human,half vampire,sort of a Medieval Blade)who we first see as a captive circus freak. She gets burned by regular water(for some odd reason,all water is fatal to vampires in this movie-is this where the Wicked Witch of the West used to live?)and fed goat's blood to heal herself. Now that's a show to take the kids to,right?




Eventually,BloodRayne goes off(after a killing spree brought upon a horny circus handler)to find Lord Kagan(Ben Kingsley),her vampire daddy who attacked and killed her mom for some serious payback. Kagan is also interested in finding some sacred vampire body parts that will give him major league powers. Along the way,our gal runs into some fearless vampire killer types lead by Michael Madsen(who looks like he's seriously hung over in every frame),Michelle Rodriequez and some pretty boy who winds up knocking boots with Bloodrayne against some prison cell bars. Other fun faces that pop up in this flick are Udo Kier,Billy Zane and Meatloaf. My favorite cameo has to be Geraldine Chaplin(uncredited for many good reasons)as a fortune teller who lets our plucky heroine in on her destiny.

Uwe Boll directed this movie,which is part of his growing stable of schlock. He's also given us the likes of Alone In The Dark(Tara Reid as a scientist,for starters),House of the Dead and coming soon,Dungeon Siege. It's nice to have a Roger Corman for our times. However,the real treat for me is not just the bad acting,the look of the movie that seems to have filmed thru stained cheesecloth,the abuse of bad wigs or the pitiful voice dubbing. No,it's Ben Kingsley and his determination to only act in one room!



That's right,folks-except for a necessary flashback scene,Ben spends the entire movie in one damn room of his secret hideout,emoting as much as Al Gore does during a debate. Even when he's about to chow down on a helpless maiden,the man seemingly refuses to express any form of emotion whatsoever. Rumor has it that he didn't want to be around Madsen(who shared some bad blood with him during Species)so that he stayed on one set. That doesn't explain his bloodless line delivery or utter lack of interest in anything that's going on around him. Truly a more forced performance has yet to be seen anywhere!

As for the rest of the cast,Lokken and Rodriquez do seem to be trying to act(keyword here is trying)while Billy Zane sits around in a bad toupee and gives meaningless plot development without having to be in any scene with any of the major players(lucky him!). Meatloaf is the only one who has any fun here-the man probaly said to himself"Hey,I get to be a vampire with some hot naked chicks,wear a really poofy wig and fight Michael Madsen-alll right!!" Well,someone needs to have some fun here,if not the audience then who?

BloodRayne is based on a video game,which only gives strength to the cliche that no good film can come from such beginnings. It follows in the grand tradition of Super Mario Bros,Lara Croft and Resident Evil which will soon be sharing shelf space at your local video store with Silent Hill and Doom. There is plenty of violence and quite a bit of nudity for those of you who need something to keep you awake or alert during a flick like this. Count more on the violence than the sexers tho-Lokken only pops her top once. She's more interested in hacking people up than humping them here.

I hope you liked this first installment of BMM;tune in next week for a look at the classic "Bride of the Monster" and keep an eye out for an upcoming special report on Eugene Levy:Why is he in so many bad movies? Please remember to put all trash in the proper disposal units as you leave the theater and have a nice day!