We're getting this year's Bad Movie Month off to an early start today,due to the happy fact that my sister Stephanie has requested coverage of an exceptionally awful film as her blog birthday gift from me.
As luck would have it,her choice of cinematic crap fits nicely into our theme of Terrifying Teens,since nothing is more frightening that the musical legacy of Vanilla Ice on kids coming of age in the 1990s. Sort of a hip-hop version of Pat Boone,if you dare to think about it for too long.
Cool As Ice was the first(and thankfully,the last)major motion picture to showcase the dubious talents of Robert Van Wrinkle,aka Vanilla Ice,unless you count that cameo of his in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret of the Ooze. Then again,let's take one horror show on at a time,shall we?
The alleged plot of this movie(which claimed to be a remake of Rebel Without a Cause,despite the fact that Paula Abdul's "Rush,Rush" video had way more accuracy in terms of storyline there) has the unnamed Vanilla and his three equally nameless sidekicks going from one random musical gig to another,with their motorbikes conveniently breaking down in a random small town.
Along the way,our hero spots a pretty young lady riding a horse(or "driving" one as he later refers to it)and like many a potential Romeo,sweeps her off her feet by knocking her off of her saddle. Later on,he discovers this potential object of his affection and makes a more formal introduction,without giving his name but learning hers and offers some sage advice about the yuppie jerk she's dating.
Kristin Minter plays Kathy,a role originally offered to Gwyneth Paltrow but not taken due to objections from her father about the "sexuality" of the film(which is PG,by the way). Hopefully,Gwyneth thanks her dad every day from shielding her from that particular bullet:
Our leading man continues his pursuit of his lady love by strutting his musical stuff at the local night club,with the help of his still unnamed companions.
Funny how hard it was for the screenwriters to give Vanilla and his buddies monikers while the rest of the cast(including the wacky old couple who let Vanilla and friends stay at their house while their bikes are being fixed)has one.
It's particularly strange since there are whole portions of the film where no one says or does anything to advance the plot,as if the director just walked over to the set and told them "Look,make something up,okay? I've got nothing here!"
Anyway,back to the romance-Vanilla does make an impression on Kathy,who accepts his advances at first in order to get back the organizer that he swiped from her purse but winds up falling for our mystery man anyway. Yeah,it's so hard to resist the charms of a guy whose courtship skills are straight out of grade school and who dresses like a reject from the Big Apple Circus to boot. What a catch,indeed!:
Eventually,our hero gets a name(Johnny-now was that so difficult to come up?)and gets to show off his fighting skills as he endures vandalism at the hands of Kat's jealous boyfriend Nick and has to rescue Kat's annoying little brother,who has been kidnapped by old enemies of her father.
Turns out that Dear Old Dad,played by Family Ties father Michael Gross, is in witness protection and goofs that up by appearing on TV in a local news profile on his little girl-oops! This subplot is actually the only portion of the movie given any major detail,which makes me think it was ripped out of an uncompleted made-for-TV-movie script to be cut and pasted into this sorry mess. All of this means that our newly named Johnny must rev up his bike and crew to save the day:
The movie's saving grace is that it's running time is ninety minutes but by the time you get to see the end credits,it feels like ninety years.
All ends well for Johnny and Kat's relationship,plus we're treated to another rap performance similar to the one at the beginning,the difference being that we're spared the vocal stylings of Naomi Campbell,who makes her brief musical debut there.
Well,happy birthday,Sis and thanks for introducing me to this incredible train wreck of a flick,which will haunt my nightmares for some time there. The only bragging rights that Cool As Ice can claim as a film are the seven nominations it received at the Golden Raspberry Awards that year. Vanilla Ice himself won for Worst New Star and it's safe to say that he truly lived up to that honor.
If you haven't seen this stunning display of onscreen ineptitude for yourself,count that among your daily blessings,folks and if you have endured this godawful epic,my sympathies are with you,big time. However,if you're in need of a movie to mock with your friends,here is the perfect raw diamond to shine up and show to all who dare watch:
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