Out of the three big movies opening up this weekend,only one of them has any connection to politics and that semi-historical epic is called Abraham Lincoln,Vampire Hunter. Based on the monster mash-up novel by Seth Grahame-Smith,this re-imaged journey through the life of one of our most popular pop culture presidents seems to have plenty of vampire slaying action to please any popcorn movie audience.
Yet one does have to wonder what sort of administration a POTUS dedicated to the destruction of the undead would need to assemble in order to get the job before reelection time kicks in. After all,even an eliminator of evil who fights like an army of one should have someone watching his back,especially if his day job is running the country:
To that end,here are my candidates for the various positions on the staff of this rather specialized presidential cabinet:
VICE SLAYER:BLADE Now,I know most of you will be saying "Whoa,what about Van Helsing?" Since our VP must be an American citizen according to the rules of law,our best bet for a true blue battler in this category is Blade,a man who like Abe Lincoln shares a family related reason for taking on this momentous task.
Not only are his warrior skills and loyalties unquestionable,Blade knows how to handle himself in any sanguinary situation,whether it's a formal occasion or an underground club full of blood bathing vamps:
SECRETARY OF STAKE:BUFFY SUMMERS
While this legendary slayer is not quite old enough for the second in command spot,she more than possesses the required field time to qualify for a spot in this administration.
Her vampiric body count is most impressive(despite a couple of fanged fellas that were granted amnesty in exchange for their cooperation)but Buffy also has experience in dealing with other supernatural menaces and a band of trusted allies who bring a mixture of magic and bravery into the fold.
In addition,Buffy is no stranger to infighting and to mounting a major force of action when faced with a serious threat to the public good. Plus,her connection with the British based Watchers' Council could prove useful for overseas operations:
CHIEF OF SLAYER STAFF:VAN HELSING Here is the perfect place for this world renowned monster hunter to be,as a chief adviser and organizer of Lincoln's inner circle of slayers.
Despite his lack of official citizenship,Van Helsing's amazing record earned in Europe should be enough to land him such a key position. His knowledge in this field alone makes him a valuable asset,plus his ability to persist in achieving the immediate goal of the moment has proven to be useful in accomplishing the primary objective of any mission:
SECRETARY OF HEARTLAND SECURITY:SELENE
This former Death Dealer has spent most of her existence defending vampires but she has proven to have a change of heart,so to speak,when faced with an enemy that did threaten the greater good for all citizens.
Her tracking abilities and detective skills would serve this administration well,particularly when it comes to infiltration. While Selene's experience has mainly been geared towards Lycans(aka,werewolves),those techniques are easily adaptable to rooting out the vampire nation in our midst:
While there may be others just as qualified,the majority of vampire fans would agree that this band of well staked warriors would protect our nation from conquest by those who live by night and sleep by day.
Hopefully,Abraham Lincoln:Vampire Hunter will do our country proud at the box office by Monday,yet it is a pity that a certain school teacher from Mystic Falls is no longer amongst the living to serve at Lincoln stake/ax swinging side. Perhaps some of his cohorts listed in the Vampire Diaries might be persuaded to do their paranormal patriotic duty:
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